It’s time we got serious about fighting this rampant tactic of using suicide for political or religious ends. We must find a way to curb this growing trend. It’s growing. And we must curb it. And I say it’s time to fight fire with fire. I’m talking about self immolation.

The only way to defeat this enemy is for reasonable people to prove their devotion, and begin sacrificing themselves for freedom and tolerance. Studies have shown it would take only five immolations per day to begin to make serious inroads. And that number could be brought down to three or even two within about six months, depending on the situation on the ground.

Once proven effective, the tactic will quickly gain widespread acceptance in Western cultures. And it could have broader applications beyond simply conflict resolution. The obvious next step would be in advertising. I can’t think of a more powerful statement than having people demonstrate their devotion to your product in this impressive way? In exchange, the families of these “martyrs for freedom and justice” could be compensated handsomely. What better way to say I love you than jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge with fifty foot of Bank America banner in tow? Pay for your kid’s tuition by lying under a train. Take the plunge for Pepsi and ensure your pet’s happy joints and massages long after your departure. “I blow myself up for Shell,” could be heard across the radio and satellite networks. A moment of silence—in the Shell board room. Who wouldn’t shed a tear on reading of your noble act? In the special section they would create in the papers, and online? Erase years of being humiliated and shamed by your more privileged neighbors. They’ll be the ones who are shamed when you drive off a cliff for Viacom. Pop the pill for Novartis. Drink the shake for Gazprom (RU). Smash your face and head for a better place. I put my pedal to the metal and my family said, “Bye.” I ended it for Microsoft. Oh wait, that was because of Microsoft.

Anyway, the possibilities are almost endless. Arm & Hammer needs more attention. Are you ready?

May 2007