BILL has developed a shamble. The consequence, some say, of a lost mind. But that is not true. In the midst of so much that is true, it is refreshing to shamble across something that is not true. He does not want to be touched. But he is entitled to an idiosyncrasy. He has earned it by his vigorous leadership in that great enterprise, his life.

- Donald Barthelme

Let's start off with the dumbest stuff first. This is called 'Forgetting the first half of your tirade'.
Bentley: Hey Johnson, what about those documents we talked about? Didn't you say they would be ready by today?
Johnson: Then and only then will you see your children alive!

Favorite lines translated from foreign film: “What are you playing at?” (usu. Chinese)

List of artists who have physically assaulted other artists in the streets of Manhattan.* *Donald Barthelme did not rough up Dan Rather in 1986 in Manhattan. It was someone else.

Late in the second section, Belano takes up residency in Spain. He becomes so peeved by a local book critic that a letter to the editor seems insufficient: he proposes a duel.

Person One: I don’t want a Hantavirus
Person Two: No you don’t.

Top Ten Signs You’re Going Soft

Used to get physically upset about how stupid “Friends” is. Now just don’t care.
Mail carrier didn’t come by today. That’s okay, they work hard.
Used the phrase “I’d just be happy if…”

United Airlines - Come fly the friendly skies.
Delta Airlines - You'll love the way we fly.
Quick Air - Look, do you want to get there or not?

Here's some dumb crap that didn't make it into the original diary. Look, one of them doesn't even have a date!
2/25/01 My refrigerator light just went out. What the hell do I do?

Refrigerator light working again. Thank. God.

“Why don’t you use the Aretha Franklin defense?”
“Aretha Franklin? She didn’t do anything.”

The Following Arguments WILL Be Deleted On Site
  1. if you don’t like it you can turn it off.
  2. well that’s your opinion.
  3. someone/anyone is the bomb.

Table of Girlfriends

 My First Girlfriend cm
 My Second Girlfriend sp
 My Third Girlfriend cc
 My Fourth Girlfriend af
 My Fifth Girlfriend mc
 My Sixth Girlfriend el
 My Seventh Girlfriend cr
 My Eighth Girlfriend ib
 My Ninth Girlfriend db
 friends again after eight years*
 married some idiot
 lost to follow up
 married some idiot
 still friends (I do her Netflix queue!)
 married some idiot
 became indifferent to me
 became indifferent to me (then married some idiot)
 yeah, well

* touching

Yi-Yi: A One And A Two (just keep clicking on the picture; you are in control)


Humor Writing Explained
  • Humor writing is putting down a lot of words on paper and then erasing most of them.
  • Always put your best jokes first and last, and in the middle.
  • Spend as little time as possible setting it up, and just get to the so-called funny parts. If that doesn't work, give up.
  • Complete tangents are fine, unless they're not funny, and then you suck.
  • Every author is allowed to mention Quetzalcoatl one time.
  • Always remove the word or suffix 'nation.'
    Before: 'these fragments i have shored against my ruination.'
    After: 'these fragments i have shored against my rui.'

More New Articles Coming Soon
But What If My Name’s Not Charlize?
No, You're Fresh
Hey Get Back On My Table

Elegantly styled and beautifully colored the Nouveau adds a touch of class to any bedroom. Ripples and beads add decoration and stimulation. A departure from the male-defined dildo for those who want a different look and feel.

Poems Banned in Austria

my new joke idea is a sign on a restaurant telling just a little bit more.

No Dogs. We Don't Want Them.
No Swimming. Trust Me.
Do Not—Er—Please, Touch The Wire

A female examines the giant squid curator of the Tasmanian Museum. 1

1 Photograph courtesy of the Tasmanian Museum and Art Gallery

Do you like the way I spell pretentious?
Does it turn you on?

He's working on a Chicano version of Steven King's latest novel.

people don't much care for disorder
Well all right...

A lot of the content is really good, but the site needs some major cleaning up. It's a little hard to navigate. But hey, that's just my two cents.

Fassbent 1

1 Drawing of Rainer Werner Fassbinder leaning over.

What's Cool Domestic What's Cool - what will always be cool What's Funny - what will always be funny

The role of McMurphy was originally offered to James Caan, Marlon Brando, Gene Hackman and Burt Reynolds. All turned it down. And that is exactly why Jach Nicholson is better then those jerk jobs.

Wilde As I Wanna Be

Didn't make the official thoughts page

Paul about the writing again -
> yes. i read some of the old stuff again this weekend. much of it is great.
> the swimming pool review is not great. its tone is an excellent
> compromise between conventional reviews and your reviews, and on the whole
> represents what i believe is the only possible path from what you have now
> to something that could be published. but that doesn't mean it's the path
> you should take.
> writing stuff you want to read over and over again is the goal.

My favorite euphemism for clitoris: man in the boat

To more accurately reflect the times we live in today.

  Suburban Street Names     Urban Street Names
  Broken Promise
  Settlement Street
  Shady Loan
  Shallow Lane
  Organophosphate Park
  Indigent Boulevard
  Smells Like Banana Peel Street  

You don't need a cell phone to be annoying
I watched a guy sitting alone in a coffee shop just burst out laughing one time and even do the little sigh at the end. Then I noticed he was reading the comics, so at least there was a reason. Then I remembered that daily comics are stupid, and I hoped the worst for the guy.

Poetry lines
These lines go beyond just writing out of context and should only be used in various Pulitzer prize winning poems.
Glasses will break.
Lines for Future Rap Songs
Foiled like Hirohito.
Stressin' like a Hessian
Soap Opera Lines that didn't make the final cut:
From Days of Our Hives
" just can't go on living your life in fear of botulism!"

Standup Lines That Will Never Be Delivered
Is there any reason to leave Montana?
How about Montana?

Plays That Will Never Be Produced
No, but you can sit here with us.
The Local Cafe
Act One - Scene One

The setting is a local cafe in Winter. A couple is sitting at a table, which is two tables joined together. The cafe is crowded. A modern lady about thirty-seven and her partner approach the two people sitting.

Lady About Thirty-Seven: 'Hey, could we separate the table and use this part?'
Man: 'No, but you can sit here with us.'
Lady About Thirty-Seven faints. She is fanned by her knealing partner.

Cartoons That Will Never Be Produced (Thank God)
Cartoon One
From Email to illustrator/friend:

can you imagine how when bush loses -- how pissed off his cabinet members will all be -- they like won't leave their offices -- can you see it now -- condy rice clinging to her desk and refusing to leave -- two men pulling her from the office with her feet jamming herself stuck in the door

this could be afunny premature political cartoon. there would be no no caption or maybe some caption -- but just have condy rice fighting being pulled out of her office by having say both her legs spread open across the doorway...we could even draw her legs in kind of a slutty way so it would be capturing that undercurrent of resentment of her on the part of all americans for not being a woman but being a power-craving robot...

let me now
Cartoon Two
what if the drinks didn't need us to drink them? what if a gin-and-tonic, say, could be chatting up a dry martini without human interference? couldn't that be a cute cartoon? sort of like, what might go on when we're not looking—what might explain the sudden drop in the level of fullness of those bottles in your liquor cabinet—like, the drinks deserve some kind of reward too?—after all these years of working for us—shouldn't they get something?

Video Productions I Will Never Have Time To Make
Sketch - airline stewardesses/doctors
"at delta, we've taken customer care to a new level…now all our flight attendents are also fully trained medical doctors as well - picture of flight attendents getting medical degrees (while in flight attendent uniforms) - maybe doing something else to - maybe a table of surgeons performing surgery and one flight attendent in uniform (with face mask and gloves) also performing the surgery (maybe asked - can you hand me that solution - and she does it saying - would like to keep the can (or something else similar which shows her flight attendent nature))

old lady "stewardness - I've been having these pains right here for about 2 weeks…" -

cut to voice over guy while stewardess is talking with lady scenes of flight attendents listening to people's hearts, checking reflexes -

passing the beverage cart - but it's loaded with medications - shot of looking at bottle and giving medicine to customer - shot of checking syringe to inject - maybe with element of turbulence as well - haha

handing out the dinners - and then saying to someone - that they really shouldn't be eating that - maybe even grabbing the desert away from someone

people at end of flight filing off saying goodbye - maybe someone has a new cast on their arm - they sort of raise it up and smile thanking the hostess
Big Old Jet Airliner
An airline chair just keeps going back all the way into your lap. The person starts massaging the head of the person seated in front of them.
The Alliance Needs YOU
[dramatic voice] The alliance needs you!
[change inflection as if addressing someone else] But not you! Or you. You. Not you. Yes. Yes. No. You would make a good pinyata.

More lines
  • Travelers return from the city of Zirma with distinct memories: a blind black man shouting in the crowd, a lunatic teetering on a skyscraper's cornice, a girl walking with a puma on a leash. Actually many of the blind men who tap their canes on Zirma's cobblestones are black; in every skyscraper there is someone going mad; all lunatics spend hours on cornices; there is no puma that some girl does not raise, as a whim. The city is redundant: it repeats itself so that something will stick in the mind. Invisible Cities

  • Ideas from T for phrases to include in a section of fake feedback.
    ...and my hair started to grow again...
    ...and the boil went away...
    ...and I could walk on water...
    ...and Confucius bowed down and suddenly gave me the lotus flower...
    ...and suddenly, Parchesi made sense...

    Photographs Not Taken

    Who am I calling solipsistic?

    Whatever one thought of _______ 's earlier movies, one could see that his choices meant a great deal—that he knew how to create a mood, sustain a style, subversively invert a cliché. But his use of styles and references feels increasingly arbitrary and eccentric, the scenes joined together by associations and loyalties that can’t possibly mean as much to anyone else as they mean to him.

    Genetically Engineered Foods
    Morally upright lettuce
    Carrots that respect authority
    Corn that won't expect you to remember its birthday
    Turnips that could dance Swan Lake in their time
    Lettuce that speaks softly to your upset stomach

    Zombies In Pennsylvania        

    Want more? What are you, dead? Well, here's the... Stuff that didn't even make this page.