BILL has developed a shamble. The consequence, some say, of a lost mind. But that is not true. In the midst of so much that is true, it is refreshing to shamble across something that is not true. He does not want to be touched. But he is entitled to an idiosyncrasy. He has earned it by his vigorous leadership in that great enterprise, his life. |
- Donald Barthelme
Let's start off with the dumbest stuff first. This is called 'Forgetting the first half of your tirade'.Bentley: Hey Johnson, what about those documents we talked about? Didn't you say they would be ready by today?
Johnson: Then and only then will you see your children alive!
Favorite lines translated from foreign film: “What are you playing at?” (usu. Chinese)
List of artists who have physically assaulted other artists in the streets of Manhattan.*
*Donald Barthelme did not rough up Dan Rather in 1986 in Manhattan. It was someone else.
- Luis Buñuel slaps Salvador Dali on 5th avenue in 1930.
Late in the second section, Belano takes up residency in Spain. He becomes so peeved by a local book critic that a letter to the editor seems insufficient: he proposes a duel.
Person One: I don’t want a Hantavirus
Person Two: No you don’t.
Top Ten Signs You’re Going Soft
Used to get physically upset about how stupid “Friends” is. Now just don’t care.
Mail carrier didn’t come by today. That’s okay, they work hard.
Used the phrase “I’d just be happy if…”
United Airlines - Come fly the friendly skies.
Delta Airlines - You'll love the way we fly.
Quick Air - Look, do you want to get there or not?
Here's some dumb crap that didn't make it into the original diary. Look, one of them doesn't even have a date!2/25/01 My refrigerator light just went out. What the hell do I do?
Refrigerator light working again. Thank. God.
“Why don’t you use the Aretha Franklin defense?”
“Aretha Franklin? She didn’t do anything.”
The Following Arguments WILL Be Deleted On Site
- if you don’t like it you can turn it off.
- well that’s your opinion.
- someone/anyone is the bomb.
Table of Girlfriends
My First Girlfriend cm
My Second Girlfriend sp
My Third Girlfriend cc
My Fourth Girlfriend af
My Fifth Girlfriend mc
My Sixth Girlfriend el
My Seventh Girlfriend cr
My Eighth Girlfriend ib
My Ninth Girlfriend db
friends again after eight years*
married some idiot
lost to follow up
married some idiot
still friends (I do her Netflix queue!)
married some idiot
became indifferent to me
became indifferent to me (then married some idiot)
Yi-Yi: A One And A Two (just keep clicking on the picture; you are in control)
Humor Writing Explained
- Humor writing is putting down a lot of words on paper and then erasing most of them.
- Always put your best jokes first and last, and in the middle.
- Spend as little time as possible setting it up, and just get to the so-called funny parts. If that doesn't work, give up.
- Complete tangents are fine, unless they're not funny, and then you suck.
- Every author is allowed to mention Quetzalcoatl one time.
- Always remove the word or suffix 'nation.'
Before: 'these fragments i have shored against my ruination.'
After: 'these fragments i have shored against my rui.'
More New Articles Coming SoonBut What If My Name’s Not Charlize?
No, You're Fresh
Hey Get Back On My Table
Elegantly styled and beautifully colored the Nouveau adds a touch of class to any bedroom. Ripples and beads add decoration and stimulation. A departure from the male-defined dildo for those who want a different look and feel.
Poems Banned in Austria
- As I Walked Out One Evening, Nude
- Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening, Nude
my new joke idea is a sign on a restaurant telling just a little bit more.
No Dogs. We Don't Want Them.
No Swimming. Trust Me.
Do Not—Er—Please, Touch The Wire
A female examines the giant squid curator of the Tasmanian Museum. 1
1 Photograph courtesy of the Tasmanian Museum and Art Gallery
Do you like the way I spell pretentious?
Does it turn you on?
He's working on a Chicano version of Steven King's latest novel.
people don't much care for disorderWell all right...
A lot of the content is really good, but the site needs some major cleaning up. It's a little hard to navigate. But hey, that's just my two cents.
1 Drawing of Rainer Werner Fassbinder leaning over.
What's Cool Domestic
What's Cool - what will always be cool
- Washing a bit of food off your hands without touching sink knobs with dirty fingers. How clean they are now, you, and your nobs.
- Walking barefoot on cold, clean tile floors.
- Listening to music with headphones and holding them against your ears like you're in a recording studio. I'm using those little yellow walkman headphones, and I swear I look and feel like Mariah Carey.
What's Funny - what will always be funny
- Giving someone a 'smack down' will always be cool.
- 'The drink' will always be cool. Falling, jumping, or even just going into it will always be cool.
- porcupines will always be funny.
- toasters will always be funny.
The role of McMurphy was originally offered to James Caan, Marlon Brando, Gene Hackman and Burt Reynolds. All turned it down. And that is exactly why Jach Nicholson is better then those jerk jobs.
Wilde As I Wanna Be
- The more I know, the more I know that others don't know.
- The more I know myself, the less I want others to find out.
- To meet a new person is to once again, enjoy the benefit of the doubt.
- I watch the news so that I can see just what I'm doing nothing about.
- I spend half my time despising half the people, and the other half, the rest.
- I'm deeply involved with everyone on the planet, it's just a matter of how deep.
- I know I have a lot of cool friends. I just keep forgetting where they are.
- Women do not object to men urinating in the sink. Rather, it is the ceremony with which they are repulsed.
Didn't make the official thoughts page
- Worn underwear makes a handy pot holder.
- A shoe makes a great cup holder.
- Not being religious is just as much of a religion as any other.
- It's like not leaving candy wrappers lying around because you know only bad things can come of that.
- Don't tell me it sucks as you're shoving it in your mouth.
Paul about the writing again -> yes. i read some of the old stuff again this weekend. much of it is great.
> the swimming pool review is not great. its tone is an excellent
> compromise between conventional reviews and your reviews, and on the whole
> represents what i believe is the only possible path from what you have now
> to something that could be published. but that doesn't mean it's the path
> you should take.
> writing stuff you want to read over and over again is the goal.
My favorite euphemism for clitoris: man in the boat
To more accurately reflect the times we live in today.
Suburban Street Names Urban Street Names Singlewood
Smells Like Banana Peel Street
You don't need a cell phone to be annoying
I watched a guy sitting alone in a coffee shop just burst out laughing one time and even do the little sigh at the end. Then I noticed he was reading the comics, so at least there was a reason. Then I remembered that daily comics are stupid, and I hoped the worst for the guy.
Poetry linesThese lines go beyond just writing out of context and should only be used in various Pulitzer prize winning poems.Soap Opera Lines that didn't make the final cut:Glasses will break.Lines for Future Rap SongsFoiled like Hirohito.
Stressin' like a HessianFrom Days of Our Hives
"...you just can't go on living your life in fear of botulism!"
Is there any reason to leave Montana?
How about Montana?
The Local CafeAct One - Scene One
The setting is a local cafe in Winter. A couple is sitting at a table, which is two tables joined together. The cafe is crowded. A modern lady about thirty-seven and her partner approach the two people sitting.
Lady About Thirty-Seven: 'Hey, could we separate the table and use this part?'
Man: 'No, but you can sit here with us.'
Lady About Thirty-Seven faints. She is fanned by her knealing partner.
Cartoon OneFrom Email to illustrator/friend:Cartoon Two
can you imagine how when bush loses -- how pissed off his cabinet members will all be -- they like won't leave their offices -- can you see it now -- condy rice clinging to her desk and refusing to leave -- two men pulling her from the office with her feet jamming herself stuck in the door
this could be afunny premature political cartoon. there would be no no caption or maybe some caption -- but just have condy rice fighting being pulled out of her office by having say both her legs spread open across the doorway...we could even draw her legs in kind of a slutty way so it would be capturing that undercurrent of resentment of her on the part of all americans for not being a woman but being a power-craving robot...
let me nowwhat if the drinks didn't need us to drink them? what if a gin-and-tonic, say, could be chatting up a dry martini without human interference? couldn't that be a cute cartoon? sort of like, what might go on when we're not looking—what might explain the sudden drop in the level of fullness of those bottles in your liquor cabinet—like, the drinks deserve some kind of reward too?—after all these years of working for us—shouldn't they get something?
Sketch - airline stewardesses/doctors"at delta, we've taken customer care to a new level…now all our flight attendents are also fully trained medical doctors as well - picture of flight attendents getting medical degrees (while in flight attendent uniforms) - maybe doing something else to - maybe a table of surgeons performing surgery and one flight attendent in uniform (with face mask and gloves) also performing the surgery (maybe asked - can you hand me that solution - and she does it saying - would like to keep the can (or something else similar which shows her flight attendent nature))Big Old Jet Airliner
old lady "stewardness - I've been having these pains right here for about 2 weeks…" -
cut to voice over guy while stewardess is talking with lady scenes of flight attendents listening to people's hearts, checking reflexes -
passing the beverage cart - but it's loaded with medications - shot of looking at bottle and giving medicine to customer - shot of checking syringe to inject - maybe with element of turbulence as well - haha
handing out the dinners - and then saying to someone - that they really shouldn't be eating that - maybe even grabbing the desert away from someone
people at end of flight filing off saying goodbye - maybe someone has a new cast on their arm - they sort of raise it up and smile thanking the hostessAn airline chair just keeps going back all the way into your lap. The person starts massaging the head of the person seated in front of them.The Alliance Needs YOU[dramatic voice] The alliance needs you!
[change inflection as if addressing someone else] But not you! Or you. You. Not you. Yes. Yes. No. You would make a good pinyata.
- I don't know about you, but my inner dialogue is hilarious
- Better to be in a foreign country, because then I can't understand all the stupid shit people say
- Whenever I'm really upset, I just take a moment and think, "at least someone's not putting their wet finger in my ear.
- The best in communist web sites.
- The site that used to be funny
- Where we hear what we want to hear.
- The day I stopped using fabric softener.
- We don't have the answer, but we have patented forty-six ways of asking the question.
- George Bush — putting the "pub" back in Republican
- Traffic a bitch? Have you tried Better Music?
- My personality speaks for itself. Then I fill in the rest.
- Don't cry over spilled milk, but do see that it doesn't happen again.
- They say some jokes just write themselves, but I wrote all my jokes.
- Individual freedom is great, but there's something fun about a bunch of people all being on the same page, or bed.
- We've entered the imagination of the American public, and planted a bomb.
- I was tired from trazadone, but then I had some caffeine, but it didn’t stop the effects of the trazadone. So now I was both cognitively impaired AND motivated.
Travelers return from the city of Zirma with distinct memories: a blind black man shouting in the crowd, a lunatic teetering on a skyscraper's cornice, a girl walking with a puma on a leash. Actually many of the blind men who tap their canes on Zirma's cobblestones are black; in every skyscraper there is someone going mad; all lunatics spend hours on cornices; there is no puma that some girl does not raise, as a whim. The city is redundant: it repeats itself so that something will stick in the mind. Invisible Cities
Ideas from T for phrases to include in a section of fake feedback....and my hair started to grow again...
...and the boil went away...
...and I could walk on water...
...and Confucius bowed down and suddenly gave me the lotus flower...
...and suddenly, Parchesi made sense...
Genetically Engineered FoodsMorally upright lettuce
Carrots that respect authority
Corn that won't expect you to remember its birthday
Turnips that could dance Swan Lake in their time
Lettuce that speaks softly to your upset stomach
Zombies In PennsylvaniaWant more? What are you, dead? Well, here's the... Stuff that didn't even make this page.