Lifeís Little Joys
(Gripes From The First World)


All these years and I still pour drinks on myself. Bottles, cups, coffee in to-go cups with the fool-proof lids. Cans. A thermos? Itís just not funny anymore.

When you realize you canít close the cereal box because youíve opened it from the bottom again like an idiot.

When one toaster cycle isnít enough, and you attempt the ill-advised extra half-cycle, which you invariably forget about and burn the damn thing anyway.

When you realize the food is too hot just when youíre about to put it in your mouth, but you canít stop yourself, becauseóyou just canít.

When youíre getting into or out of some pants, and you lose your balance, somewhere between pants-on and pants-not-on. Youíre goiní down and thereís not a damn thing you can do about it.

When youíve just finished drying off from a shower, and you realize youíve still got soap under your arms. The road ahead will require great conviction.

When you try to figure out what word someone was trying to type by looking at the keys around the letter in question. This technique can also be used to determine whether someone has spelled a word incorrectly because of a typo or because theyíre a damn idiot. Ha ha. Itís your friend.

When you discover the remote was underneath a cushion the entire time, and youíre not sure if youíre happy because you found it, or sad because you wasted so much time looking for it. Thereís a parable for this, but who cares.

When youíve been using an acronym for, like, forever, and then suddenly, all on your own, you figure out what it stood for the whole time. This joy is quickly spoiled by the realization that you were probably the last person on earth to figure it out.

When you put Nestle quick (or something) in milk. And you turn over a lump. And itís all dry inside. Thatís cool.

When youíre working late, all alone, and you swear you can hear a faint windows 95 bells sound, even though your computerís not on. Yeah, right youíre computerís not on.

If youíve ever gotten on Moviefone.com and typed in another zip code you know, just to see.

When youíre editing your work, and you write in a new idea in the middle of your piece. Then, the next thing you read is exactly what you just wrote. You know what they sayóthe same mind thinks alike.

When youíre editing your work, and you write in a new idea in the middle of your piece. Then, the next thing you read is exactly what you just wrote. You know what they sayóthe same mind thinks alike.

When you mourn the death of an actor for two weeks before you finally realize that you are the one whoís died, and thatís only because of the stench. (Note: I have no idea what I was on when I wrote this one, but I leave it as a warning)

When a fly comes in your window, the best that you can do is try to forget about it.

Few things are worse than a surprise empty CD case.

There is one thing worse than a surprise empty CD case. When you stamp and address an envelope, try to not seal it before putting the contents inside. There is little more horrifying than that, except some of the stuff they have on rotten.com.

Okay, no. There is another worse thing. Before you type out entire passages from books you like, so you can quote them on your web site or some other stupid reason. You might want to first talk to Google about that and make sure someone else hasn't already done it for you. Anyway, it will happen again. And again. I'm sure.

Not Quite Long Enough To Be Rants

Flicking Toothpaste In Your Eye
This pitfall can be avoided by employing a twisting motion to break off the paste rather than pressing down on the end of the bristles. Some people have learned to avert their eyes momentarily. There are other people who do not even attempt to make a clean break in the first place. These are the people with loose toothpaste throughout their bathroom (in the sink, under the cap, on the mirror for Godís sake, I swear Iíve seen it). Donít worry if youíre one of those people, you obviously donít care. Fortunately though, some toothpaste manufacturers do. For example, most Colgate toothpaste tubes now offer sage advice like, “Squeeze from the bottom and flatten as you go up.”

Kicking The Plug
When youíre in a computer lab and you forget to mind the whereabouts of your feet during a big stretch. How many times have you kicked the plug and knocked out the power. You really should save more often. It should be like blinking. And have you ever blanked an entire row of computers? Have you ever touched the lives of others?

An Ounce of Prevention
If it looks like a spider could spin a web across it, then donít walk between it. But if youíre already committed, youíd better just close your eyes, protect the face, and hope you donít have to play "find the spider: the game with no obvious endpoint."

Thoughts       Home