by Jay Cornelius and John Hargrave

With the current sexual climate on the Internet, it's a wonder that any women are online at all. Guys, we need to frost.

A woman can't even post her picture on the Net without being reviewed on Babes of the Web. Online female personalities, such as Gina Smith, can't even show their faces without getting multiple marriage proposals, for God's sake. MARRIAGE PROPOSALS!

But the worst place to be a female is America Online. Becase there are two reasons males use America Online: e-mail and sex.

The e-mail, admittedly, is pretty good. We use it for our own correspondence. But the sex is atrocious. If you have a female name, you can't even click that chat button without being bombarded with messages asking you to step into a "private" room. It doesn't matter if you're 8 or 80, as long as you can type dirty.

We decided to test this theory, to see how low America Online users would go. Using AOL's feature of creating fake user ID's or "screen names," we created a character called "HotPad," a 72-year old woman who was looking for a little action. Under her "personal profile," we wrote the following:

Screen Name: HotPad
Member Name: HotPad Smith
Location: Hot Buttered Sex, U.S.A.
Birthdate: 4/1/23!
Sex: Female
Marital Status: Married
Computers: Timex Sinclair 1000, TI99/4A, Commodore Vic-20
Hobbies: Sex with nubile young boys! Woo-hoo! Come and get 'em!
Occupation: Lover and Whore
Quote: "Please, the electric mixer next!"

What follows is a transcript of the evening's events, with after-the-fact comments. All names have been changed to protect the guilty.

HotPad: The funhouse is open, and there's no admission charge!
HotPad: Come and get me, boys!
Lexmo99: look at all the kids listening
SKB9999: Hotpad - where are you from?
HotPad: The Hotpad is warmed up 'n' ready to go!
CBC There: yikes!
HotPad: So launch!
HotPad: Ignition T minus zero!!!
DoctorBelo: ABSOLUTELY
Lexmo99: funny
SAH9999: Hotpad, maybe u would like to hear about how my female neighbor, leaning over her couch.
BIG BAKEY: hotpuss
SKB24: Hot Pad- want to private chat?

It was too easy. Already we were being pelted with private requests. So we started pointing out the age thing.

HotPad: Once upon a time.....
HotPad: there was a horny woman who remembered what it was like to lust after JFK's father, Joe Kenne.
GOODHMP: HOTPAD HOW OLD
JohnR93622: anyone interested im me
HotPad: Young whippersnappers, how can you complain when you can't even remember the Depression?
Tacoche999: hi
HotPad: Take horny. Multiply it times the number of years Grover Cleveland was in office. That's me.
BAschken99: How old are you hot pag?
HotPad: As they said when everyone was on war rations, I need to find some meat!

There are always "policemen" on AOL, the kind of people who loved to tattle in grade school. They have no real authority, but consider it their moral duty to report any questionable content to America Online.

DevilUL: HotPad, be careful, regulations could cost you your transmissions by a monitor for life...
HotPad: I tell you, in world war 1....
HotPad: Things were different back then...
HotPad: Men had *BIG* guns......
HotPad: Like the ones on tanks!!!
HotPad: I rode those things like a dog in heat!
DevilUL: Careful HotPad I'll report you

Now, this was laughable. What was the worst that was going to happen? Were we gonna get thrown in AOL jail? Were we gonna have our account terminated? Oh no! We'd have to go open one of the pile of "ten free hours" disks that have accummulated on our doorstep!

ZSmith9910: hello horny women
HotPad: McArthur was a better lover than Sherman.
HotPad: General William Tecumseh Sherman, that is, from the Civil War.
Jef0069: You tell'em, Hotpad
YopChaki99: who needs it?
HotPad: I once did Khan.
HotPad: Not Ghengis, I'm not that old - but his son Kublai.
SeaRooker: Any Seattle studs?
HotPad: Kublai wanted to conquer me, and I said, "Hey honey! Who do you think I am? Siberia?"
Vanya99: And me, who will satisfy me?
HotPad: One time a world war 1 soldier fired a bazooka...
HotPad: And I caught it with my wee-wee.
JDavis9975: OUCH!
Timmmmy: hello hotpad. are you m or f
RightWing0: Hotpad needs a screamin blue missile in her love silo
Skirtie: hello
DevilUL: HotPad, one more transmission in violation fo rules, your history on the net... MONTIOR...

This was great. DevilUL had now assumed the title of "MONITOR," only he couldn't spell it right. And he said we would be history on the "net."

HotPad: AOL is not the net, fun boy!
ZSmith9910: CHILL OUT DevilUL_
ZSmith9910: IN OTHER WORDS SHUT THE H*** UP
RightWing0: yeah shutup devil
DevilUL: No problem, just need to have certain people be alittle responsible with the net...

We had successfully turned the room against the policeman. Now it was time to take the "MONITOR" role as our own.

HotPad: All of you are about to kicked off the net. MONITOR.
ZSmith9910: ARE YOU 5-0
HotPad: My pad's so hot, it's smoldering into PLASMA! MONITOR.
RightWing0: this is a public forum stupid, ya ever heard o the freedom of speech
HotPad: DevilUL has had all rights revoked from the Internet. MONITOR.
JIMMIE RE1: Hello Everyone!
HotPad: Steve Case is coming over to DevilUL's house to beat him up. MONITOR.
RightWing0: keep on
HotPad: DevilUL frequently masturbates with a hollowed-out grapefruit. MONITOR.
ZSmith9910: SHAKE HOTPAd
HotPad: Can I do one of you guys? MONITOR
RightWing0: yeah yeah huh huh
Lemmon: you sond like a horney guy hot pad
HotPad: My wee-wee is developed to the point it can smoke a cigar! MONITOR
Lemmon: I think you are!!!
HotPad: I'm more greased up than the WD-40 factory!!! MONITOR
DevilUL: HotPad, you are foolish... Sorry address will be receiving a certified letter within ten days...

And with the cryptic statement of "sorry address" receiving "a certified letter," DevilUL was gone. Gone but not forgotten.

RightWing0: DevilUL you need to change your name to limp noodle
RightWing0: By the way I'm calling your mommy, the word Devil offends me
Lemmon: hotpad is just some guy who wants to be a lady
ZSmith9910: GO GET 'EM RIGHT WING
Lemmon: there are other channels for your kind hotpad
Lemmon: fag channels
Lemmon: leave hot pad
Lemmon: goodbye

Lemmon saw through our flimsy veneer and was not pleased that we were males masquerading as females. We decided to apologize, using the Internet's most annoying symbols: sideways smiley faces, or "emoticons."

HotPad: I'm sorry everyone. ;)
GOODHMP: HELLO
JohnM93699: I'm lokking for a birthday present in female form for a wonderful evening
HotPad: I'm totally sorry. :) :) :) :) :) :) ;)
GOODHMP: LOST FOR WORDS
HotPad: I'm so very sorry. <:) :() :o :-) :+) :)) ;\ %)
JohnM93699: anyone interested im me
HotPad: Just kidding, go fuck yourselves.
BAschkenas: Taochelle, don't leave
Tacochelle: well talk to me then
DevilUL: Sorry for you HotPad, too late... Recording made, your history my friend...

Ah, DevilUL was back! He was just undercover!

BEAUTYFL9: Dr, your stats, please!
HotPad: DevilUL, you're a spineless geekboy! MONITOR

We decided to go for broke.

HotPad: Can any hot hung guy out there throw me on the bed,
HotPad: play some Neil Diamond, and satisfy me until Republicans are back in the White House??!!?
Vanya99: Could be me hot stuff
YopChaki99: hot pad, you need what I have
YopChaki99: you know it
YopChaki99: is everyone in this room as horny as they sound?
CBC There: need you ask?
HotPad: I'm hornier than I sound. I'm hornier than John Philip Sousa.
The Stinz: sounds like it
CBC There: Hotpad you are too much!

HotPad was deluged with e-mail for months after the stunt. Typical come-ons read: "Is 39 too young for you?" and "My wife just lays there like a cold fish. Can you help me put some spice back in my life?" Eventually things got so bad that we had to wipe out HotPad's personal profile.

Perhaps it's having our "boys-only club" broken. Perhaps it's a novelty to find women interested in this nerdly world. Perhaps it's the anonymity of the Internet. But guys, let's ease up on the sisters.

I made a copy of this page long ago when I first read it, because I know how these things on the web tend to disappear. And sure enough, www.zug.com had some server problem and apparently lost the file. I can't vouch for the other broken links that pepper my site, but this one, this one will go down as one man's great victory in the battle against the FORCES OF BROKEN LINKS (forces that would take humor away from us).