Random punchlines, which theoretically could be worked into a standup routine and might even be funny if you imagine Stephen Wright saying them.

You can never fail if you don't try.

Artists are just failed critics.

Critics are just failed people.

Contemporary art means the artist gets another chance to explain what he was trying to say.

I like to preserve the ambiguity. So I drive really fast.

I stood in front of a mirror, but I didnít have time to reflect.

When are your new shoes not your new shoes anymore?

Itís not the size of the stamp. Itís the number on it.

My personality speaks for itself. Then I fill in the rest.

You can find your childhood home. You just canít go in it.

I hate flossing. I donít like to floss. Iíd pay someone to floss for me. But only if they hated it too.

Itís better to have erred and apologized, than never to have erred at all.

Calgon take me away. But bring me back.

Ever notice how the people getting off the plane are never the same ones you saw getting on? Me neither.

I would have sex with [long pause] anyone. (note: requires special relationship between performer and audience)

I was wondering, ďCan a refugee be hot?Ē

What about a dictator? Megahottie Suharta. Iím sorry.