What The World Is Coming To

When you see exhibit A (below), you will understand how I had no choice but to send the following email to the entire staff at McBone, which is apparently a famous advertising firm in New York City.
Dear Joe et al,

I cannot say who it is at your company because I have only the IP address to go on. But I suspect it is either Tim, Corey, Chris, Doug, Scott, and especially Leon.

Exhibit A
7 29 Oct 2002 / 10:01:56 PM bln2-t7-2.mcbone.net
Referrer: http://www.google.com/search?q=dirty talk poetry&hl=en&lr=&i
Which takes one to the following bit of smutty material, which I definitely had nothing to do with. The culprit could, of course, be any one of your sex-minded interns. But I am certain it is either Donna, Jill, Casey, Emily, Lesley, Maria, or Lisa. Unless I have sorely misjudged them.

Nevertheless, I am sure you will agree the time for forgiveness is now. We are all humans here. We all have our limitations, needs, frailties. I do, however, believe a more strict policy of internet policing must be instituted if we are to keep ‘McBone’ on the high moral footing it currently enjoys. We cannot turn our backs on the values and standards laid down by our glorious predecessors. We cannot let ourselves give in to each and every fleshy temptation and lurid fantasy that presents itself. Even in your weakest hours, we must find strength.

I prescribe the following:
1. No more ‘ecstasy’ for McBone interns. I don’t care how much they protest and make idle threats of switching over to that firm across the street. They need you as much as you need them. And they definitely don’t need X.

2. No more casual Monday thru Fridays. Actions follow clothing. If you dress like a slut, you are a slut. If you dress like a top-class advertising firm, you are a top-class advertising firm. I trust we are all in agreement.

3. Strict internet controls. Net Nanny, See No Evil, and Back In Your Pants are some of my favorites. Complete banning of Google is also imperative. Google has revealed its inability or unwillingness to remove these bubonic sites. Now it is time to remove Google. Let your firm make a clear example of what happens when the cries for reasonable censorship are ignored.

4. Sexual abstention for one week. You are all soiled. If you did not participate in this sordid act, then the person in the cubicle next to you did. We are only as strong as our weakest link. I suggest you all go home and take a bath. You will know when it is the right time to resume the earnest pursuit of real intimacy.

5. Letters of apology to the pope. The Vatican does not guarantee his popeship will read each and every letter, but this measure will help ensure that for all your employees, when that golden parachute opens, it’s not in a flaming bowl of hell.

Exhibit B (much too late)
“We’re radio directors, and we take our creative position from sound and then kind of back our way into the lines,” says McHale. “But radio is naked,” he cautions.

I think we have a winner. I’m sorry Leon.

“It has to be really honest, because there’s nothing to look at to distract you...”

Oh, we definitely have a winner.

“Comedy is even more demanding. It’s one of the most effective ways of radio advertising, but it’s also dangerous,” according to McHale. “There’s nothing worse than a funny ad that’s not funny.”

Except of course, sin. But remember, forgiveness. We’re all radio directors here.

Yours Truly,     
Cold Bacon

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