You know what I think is funny?  Or would be if it weren't so retarded?

Sometimes when I want something from across the room or maybe in another room entirely but I'm unwilling for whatever reason to get up to get it myself, I wish automatically, every time, that I were telekinetic.

If you don't see the humor in this, here's some help.

I wish I were telekinetic so I could get me a cold grape soda from the kitchen.

That is what I would do if I were telekinetic!

Not send rice and hot dogs sailing through the air to children in Gambia!  Not transport diamonds directly from the center of the earth spang onto my neck!  Not yank ETs in from outer space!  Not gather a whole bunch of air together, compress it to incredible tightness, and pop your face with it whenever you send me a faggy email!

fuckin asshat.