Okay. I've been here for three months now and it's getting bad. totally not what I expected.


I have to admit that I'm such a person who can't live well without external stimulations. that's why I love cities. you stand there still and lots of others come to you to make you think.


Here. I'm alone. and I do nothing. (except studying) even studying is not going well cos I spent the rest of my life doing nothing. (though I do relatively well in the class making a good fake smile to my advisor who pays my tuition and stipends)  going to the same websites over and over, drinking beers on my own whenever I have free time, thinking about why I am here, wondering what went wrong in my life, what are my problems, imagining what would've made a difference, why didn't I go to LSE, why did I work for samsung, why did I come to fucking michigan staet university, would going to UT Austin make it better (they have film and screen writing school next to the department which means a lot to me), should I stay here studying fucking statistics while fighting with cold weather and snow and boredom for fucking four years, or should I just get a job but how. and so on and so forth. Fucking pathetic and fucking stupid.


I'm trying. this week is not busy so today I called for a korean ladies' dinner in my department cos there are so fucking many korean students - which is good and bad - two girls didn't order a meal, didn't eat in order to not pay (I know they're pretty well-off) said they've eaten something - what the fuck is that, so fun, so cool - then we went to a fucking Starbucks and talked about music and they said Kenny G is amazing and love to see his concert and I thought 'you're fucking joking'. I tried to meet people other than koreans, there is a Turkish girl, recently married, and very nice, and she offered me a ride to see a film but the film she wanted to see was Madagascar 2 which I wouldn't watch in the cinema on Friday night but I watched it cos with lots of children it was my first chance to go to the cinema in the us which I have been dying for - three weeks ago, a korean friend of mine agreed to go to a cinema so I waited for her to finish her work on fucking friday night again at the university but, at around 9pm, she said she needed to do some more work so I waited until 11pm but then she said she's tired and wanted to go to bed. so I said fine cos she's the one with a car. I thought damn this isn't fukcing right.


I'm living with a korean roomate and she's the most boring person I've ever seen. The reason is that she is pretty selfish and very reactive and she doesn't say or do anything before I say or do anything and she always calculates which I always sense and hate the fact that she does that. And she judges people (including me) based on the little experiences she had in seoul and lots of prejudices. and she's fairly competitive for little things. I hate trivialy competative people. Other things are fine. she's quiet and not-dirty so we could be roomates but never friends.


I'm moving out to live on my own this december. It's horrible place with a dirty smelling sofas but it will do for me. I'm thinking about buying a car even though it's shit. but I don't know where to go and what to buy but I'll ask people and sort it out. I need a car. And I'm getting a nice LCD flat screen TV and a DVD player and a Netflix subscription. I'm not meeting koreans anymore, I will rather be alone cos I'm not interested in their talks about korean dramas or korean RnB musics or fukcing Kenny G. I will rather be alone. yes I'm spoiled and yes I'm the victim of FAXamericana and yes I'm a snob call me anything.


guess what. I've never met or chat with any american guys except the professors since I got here. there are some in one of my classes and they all look so fat, dumb, christian, geek and there was a one guy looking different and he was a musician and web-designer - cool for lansing standard - but was married. ok.


am I gonna get old like this, alone and picky, fussy, grumbling all the time and lonely. shit. damn. fuck. that's not what I wanted. shit damn fuck.


or living in this prison with the internet will pay me off? and also I have nowhere else to go.


I watched Burn After Reading and it was boring. funny and understanable (in line with what Cohen brother's trying to say - there's something wrong with america) but nothing special, nothing like their previous works. (I'm not comparing it to the Old Men)


You need to throw me something, something creative. please help me and I will pay it back later. and I don't need any virtual friends. I need fucking real people.