The New Automobiles

The man at the Toyota dealer explains how the Sequoia’s revolutionary new fuel intake system caresses the fuel gently thus preparing it for injection. We listen. Faces pressed upon tinted, family windows. He explains. We believe. He explains more. We want to believe. Sequoia.

“I think the redwood is taller?— we’ll take it.”

Amazing. The all new Chevy Tahoe comes standard with deluxe on-the-fly tire-to-water ski conversion. Great for those with big families, who need to drive across a lake. And everyone knows when you have to cross the Yukon, you’ve got to use dogs. But if dogs are out or all booked up, the next best thing’s a GMC truck. Yukon, with enough trunk space for six prostitutes and two half-kegs of premium winter ale. Stranded, ninety miles to Juneau, two months to midnight. Did you know? Eskimo hookers have fifty different ways of saying, “Cash first, qitunbauraq (baby).”

But enough about what’s already out there, what’s coming soon?

Car lovers everywhere can look forward to the new Ford Senator, which will replace the now classic Ford Exploder. This remarkable new vehicle can get you out of any traffic jam with its special deny feature. It simply denies any involvement with the cars around it, and it never happened. Awesome!

This year’s Grand Jury Prize for most likely not to be spat at by a European went to the new Plymouth Crisis. The car saves you beaucoup on gas by convincing you not to go in the first place and offering some acceptable alternatives. If that doesn’t work, the car goes on strike until you understand.

Speaking of renewable, check out the new new Volkswagen Beetle. As well as making you young, hip and sexy, it promises to improve your karma “substantially.” The new new Beetle will be available in polka dot and chiffon. Meanwhile, the Volkswagen Jetta will remain unchanged, but will be sold under various personalized names. Depending on your age and demographic, you could get a Loretta, Henrietta, Beretta, Sveta or Feta. What the hell is a corolla? Who cares? The Dodge Car Company doesn’t. They’re too busy rolling out their answer to a recent surge in childhood playground nostalgia. The Dodge Ball is just that, a giant sphere that hurls down the street. Oh, there has been some talk about the high number of crush deaths in test marketing. One Dodge insider told us off the record, “People keep trying to catch them?” Consumer safety groups have already demanded a pre-call, but a spokesman for Dodge says, “No way, we already called no-backs.”

Meanwhile, the good chaps at Toyota are looking to invade U.S. markets with their own blast from the past. They’re changing the 4Runner back to its original “truck with box on it” look. The Predecessor will be available immediately through any classified section in your local paper.

Apple will debut the first ever iCar. Apple says it will be so easy even your grandmother could drive it. With just one gear, one speed and a number of preset destinations, she can’t go wrong. Hey, that is cool.

Also cool is the new Saturn Comfort, which comes with an on-board computer that serves not only as a navigator, but also a friend, confidante and fully-licensed psychopharmacist. It can listen, diagnose and even call in prescriptions for Prozac, which it will then pick up for you at a regional Saturn pharmacy.

General Motors hopes to capitalize on a recent up-tic in pro-American sentiment with its new John McCain Cruiser. With it you’re guaranteed unlimited attention whenever you want for as long as you want. And no more worrying about which way to go, since you’ll have absolutely no control over the car whatsoever. You just climb in, and it goes wherever it damn well wants. And you’ll like it.

Mercedes will be coming out with a new model of its SLK, which we be called the SLK and will perform exactly as the previous model, but cost about twice as many Deutschmarks. BMW will counter by doubling the price of their M5, while ensuring there are no improvements to either the drive train or chassis. Mercedes will then merge with a family of giant chickens and call itself Mercedes-Hens—to which BMW will respond by getting ripped on Piesporter, challenging Mercedes to a duel and ending up missing wildly. Aaron Burr will be shot in the foot. I can’t think of anything to say about Lincoln, Jefferson or John Monroe.

Okay, you’re right. This piece, like all my pieces, is nothing more than an excuse to air a cool picture taken by someone else. And what if it is? The Onion has its headlines. I have my pictures. Détente. Diletante. Mutual assured convection.

Also see my piece entitled Excuse for a Walker Evans Picture


     looks like a bubble
     with better distribution
     inferior parts

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